listening to mayday atmo ~
i must say, i really like them. for their music entirely. i dont know why, but their music really attracts me and keeps me listening ^^ which is good for them because now i want to buy their album (´┏_┓｀) their music is sorta uplifting... in a way...
im trying to be positive. because even though pain has flowed through my family and i, i will strive to not let it ruin me at the moment. ill write about what i was feeling... itll be a very long entry, so i doubt anyone would read it all =___= but if you will.. bear with me! >__<
as i walked towards my bedroom, i heard loud, painful breathing. and the closer i walked, the louder and more harsh it sounded. i stopped, and found my sister leaning against the wall, staring at the door. she turned and looked at me, a look of sadness and helplessness. and that was exactly how i was feeling. i walked to her and looked right at her, not knowing what to do. i pushed open the door of my grandpas room and looked inside.
i found him sleeping on the bed, a hospital one we had borrowed. i walked in hesistantly, confused. the breathing came in short, fast breaths. they were terrible, horrible sounding breathing. worry gripped me. this was not normal. yesterday, his breathing was fine. the breathing i was witnessing at the moment, was definitely not fine. they came fast, and the noise that came out was indescribable. it was crackling, loud and coarse. i heard my sister behind me. i said, whats wrong? has he been like this all night? she replied with a soft voice, im not sure. i htink mum said its been happening since 7 or so.
i was shocked. i never knew. i felt guilty, helpless... i walked out and quickly went to my mum, who was sitting in the kitchen. whats wrong with a grandpa? i demanded. it sounded painful, whats wrong? her sad face shook slowly, and i felt helpless once again. is he awake? i asked. no, and he hasnt been conscious since this morning.
what!? i thought. when i went to work that morning, he was still sleeping, and i was unaware of his condition. i paced around the room and asked, what can we do? cant we call the nurses? cant they do somethign? cant we call the hospital? are we just going to sit here? i sounded quite hysterical and my mum scolded me for being so loud. my sister walked by and stood next to me. ill call the nurses, she offered.
i sat down and thought about what was going to happen. my sister rang the nurses and found that they couldnt do anythign since it was too late. they said they would come over the next morning to check on him. i felt irritated. i stood up quickly and walked away.
as i was sitting in the study room, my sister approached me and sat near me. did you know that the nurses came over this morning? she asked my quietly. no i didnt, i replied. i was at work. werent you? she nodded in response. did mum and dad tell you, i asked. yes, was her quick response. she turned away, then said, do you know what dad told me before? no of course not, i said. ill tell you, she said.
they came over this morning, to check on grandpa. they were worried about his condition, since he hadnt been eating that morning, or the night before. he barely eats anythign anymore, and barely drinks, and finds it difficult to communicate. they said his time was almost up, and he would pass away fairly soon, and a week at max.
i was shocked. i was speechless. and i was utterly and completely dumbfounded. thats way too soon! i exclaimed loudly and awkwardly, tears forming in my eyes. he wont die, i said, letting out a quick and loud laugh. i turned away, not wanting her to see my tears. there was a long pause, then, did they say anything else, i asked.
no not really. but im worried, my sister said. so am i, i whispered. as we both walked back towards the bedroom, we noticed that the breathing appeared faster and more forced. it sounded louder, and it worried us more. we looked at each other sadly. i felt stupid. i felt angry. i felt annoyed. and i felt, simply pissed off. what could we do to help him? we couldnt do anything. we couldnt wake him. we couldnt help him in any way. all i could really do was watch. was that all i could do? i felt so pissed that i wanted to scream. argh! i thought, and walked off.
later that night, when both my sister and i was getting ready to bed, we could hear the constant labourous breathing of my grandpa, and i felt angry once again. my mother closed our bedroom door and told us to ignore it. but we couldnt simply ignore his breathign. that was stupid. and i felt stupid as well.
the next morning, i heard loud voices echoing in my head. loud, worried and anxious voices, but i ignored them and fell into a shallow sleep once again.
i woke to my sister prodding me awake. what is it? my sisters face was pale and simply said, grandpa. i quickly sat up and swiftly walked towards his bedroom. there i found 3 of my uncles, my dad, my mum and my auntie dressing my grandpa up. no no no i thought. no! i faced my mother and i couldnt say anything, although there were many thigns to say. i could feel the tears in my eyes, on the verge of pouring out. my mum pushed me away, and said, we have many things to do. i walked back to my sister, and my body felt as though i had no energy left in it.
is he.. is he.. still.... i couldnt ask her the question, and the word "alive" barely escaped from my lips. im not sure, she said softly, avoiding my eyes. i rushed back into the bedroom, and i looked at my grandpa. his body seemed lifeless, stiff... dead. i broke out crying and ran back out. he couldnt go, not so quickly. i didnt want to believe it. soon everyone was out of the room and i walked back in. i was scared. not of what i was seeing, but of the fact that i would lose him. everything in the house reminded me of him, everywhere i would go i would think of him. there were so many memories, but i felt so guilty that i wasnt with him in his last hours, or even, the last few days of his life. i kneeled down, and prayed, but also, and most importantly, i said goodbye.
